The 2019/20 Alternative Scottish Football Awards
Welcome to the fourth annual Alternative Scottish Football Awards.
The ceremony has been moved to a new venue due to the host being furloughed, but there was no danger of this major event being cancelled.
Given the season we’ve just had, that would be akin to Abruptly Interrupted Presidential Motorcades Magazine failing to publish their end of year review in 1963.
Having to publish this on Medium instead of Glasgow Live isn’t all bad news. For instance, I can now type ‘shite’ instead of ‘sh***’, s***e’ or ‘Rangers since the winter break’.
The season’s last ball might have been kicked in early March, but there was more crammed into its eight months than most other countries witness in a decade.
Furlough or no furlough, the 2019/20 Alternative Scottish Football Awards will not be bullied into silence. The great and the good of Scottish football are all here, with the exception of Dundee Footba…no, there they are.
Sit back, enjoy and please refrain from swearing at any of our guests seated at the Greenock Morton table.
MOST SCOTTISH FOOTBALL HEADLINE
WINNER: Fan punches horses
HONOURABLE MENTION: Seagull ejection threat
HONOURABLE MENTION: Sex with taxi and fence
BEST DANNY LENNON MOMENT
WINNER: Subbing himself on at the age of 50
HONOURABLE MENTION: Threatening to kidnap children and bring back national service
MOST AWE-INSPIRING SKILL
WINNER: Uche Ikpeazu
MOST GLAMOROUS SEQUENCE OF EVENTS
WINNER: Zak Rudden and Ian McCall
THE RANGERS AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF STATEMENT-WRITING
WINNER: Rangers
LEAST LIKELY TO CORRECTLY IDENTIFY STEVEN GERRARD
WINNER: Sky Sports
BEST INTERPRETATION OF STEVEN GERRARD’S COMMENTS
WINNER: The Scotsman
HONOURABLE MENTION: BBC
MOST PETULANT RANGERS STATEMENT
WINNER: ‘Bullied Into Silence’
MOST PETULANT NON-RANGERS STATEMENT
WINNER: Celtic, for “If not, we move on”
MOST BIZARRE THREAT
WINNER: Steven Gerrard
MOST UNLIKELY CONTEXT FOR A SCOTTISH FOOTBALL DISCUSSION
WINNER: Succession
MOST PROMINENT DA ELEMENT WITHIN FANBASE
WINNER: Celtic
BEST PUN
WINNER: Davy Young
HONOURABLE MENTION: The Scotsman
HONOURABLE MENTION: The Metro
THE ROD STEWART AWARD FOR CUP-BASED RIDICULOUSNESS
WINNER: The Tunnock’s Caramel Wafer Challenge Cup
SWIFTEST RETURN TO NORMALITY
WINNER: Fort William
MOST BIASED MAN OF THE MATCH AWARD
WINNER: Crown Engineering
LEAST APPEALING SUGGESTION
WINNER: Dunfermline Athletic Divorce Party
MOST CONSISTENT PERFORMER
WINNER: Boli Bolingoli-Mbombo
THE ‘GRETA GARBO AND MONROE, DIETRICH AND DIMAGGIO’ AWARD FOR BEST NEIL LENNON LOOK
WINNER: ‘Last-ditch holiday to salvage crumbling marriage’
HONOURABLE MENTION: ‘Snus’
HONOURABLE MENTION: ‘Ye intae Pitbull hen?’
THE FROST/NIXON AWARD FOR MOST REVEALING INTERVIEW
WINNER: Murdo Macleod
THE BATTLE FEVER AWARD FOR MOST INSPIRING SPEECH
WINNER: James Tavernier
MOST COHERENT PUNDITRY
WINNER: Kris Boyd
HONOURABLE MENTION: Kris Boyd
HONOURABLE MENTION: Kris Boyd
HARSHEST CRITIC
WINNER: @dipduckdive
THE COOLIO AWARD FOR MOST UNLIKELY SCOTTISH FOOTBALL CAMEO
WINNER: French journalist Renaud Marquot
HONOURABLE MENTION: Pope John Paul II
HONOURABLE MENTION: Lewis Capaldi
HONOURABLE MENTION: Pikachu
HONOURABLE MENTION: Pollok dog
HONOURABLE MENTION: Fort William stags
HONOURABLE MENTION: Albanian President Ilir Meta
HONOURABLE MENTION: Shaggy
HONOURABLE MENTION: Boy George
MOST MEMORABLE ALFREDO MORELOS GESTURE
WINNER: Indicating that something — in this case, the match — is finished
HONOURABLE MENTION: Having a laugh with some children at Fir Park
BEST ALLY MCCOIST MOMENT
WINNER: Woodpecker updates
HONOURABLE MENTION: Hanging out with Vic Reeves while watching Stormzy at Jools Holland’s Hootenanny
HONOURABLE MENTION:“I’ll tell you right now, tactically she has got it ALL wrong”
HONOURABLE MENTION: Joining Instagram
HONOURABLE MENTION: Bossing Instagram
HONOURABLE MENTION: Holiday snaps
HONOURABLE MENTION: Looking annoyed one day sitting in Marks and Spencers when people were looking to see who he was
THE ‘WHAT’S THE GOALIE ETC’ AWARD FOR MOST ICONIC RANGERS TV MOMENT
WINNER: “Look at your face. Look to your laurels”
THE CONNOR SAMMON HOLDING A PIZZA AWARD FOR MOST DUBIOUS COMMERCIAL TIE-IN
WINNER: Connor Sammon holding a different pizza
HONOURABLE MENTION: Kevin Clancy x Specsavers
MOST COMPLETELY ABOVE BOARD NOTHING TO SEE HERE LOOK OVER THERE A SQUIRREL COMPLETELY EXPLAINABLE TURN OF EVENTS
WINNER: Certainly not Dundee’s vote
*Confusion over envelope on stage. Think La La Land/Moonlight at the 2017 Oscars*
ACTUAL WINNER: Dundee’s vote
SALTIEST BEEF
WINNER: Celtic v Benito Mussolini’s granddaughter
HONOURABLE MENTION: Amy Macdonald v Tommy Wright
HONOURABLE MENTION: Charlie Nicholas v Odsonne Edouard
HONOURABLE MENTION: Michael Stewart v Craig Levein
THE ‘AMERICAN GUY CALLED JOHN LEWIS WHO HAS TO SWITCH OFF HIS NOTIFICATIONS WHEN THE CHRISTMAS ADVERT COMES OUT’ MISTAKEN IDENTITY AWARD
WINNER: Santa Fe Public Library (@sfpl)
HONOURABLE MENTION: Scott Brown
BEST CELTIC PARK FAN BEHAVIOUR
WINNER: This guy
HONOURABLE MENTION: This guy
BEST SWEARING
WINNER: Aberdeen fans v Steven MacLean
HONOURABLE MENTION: Neil Lennon
HONOURABLE MENTION: Fraser Aird
MOST RELENTLESS COVERAGE
WINNER: BT Sport’s 10 hours of Betfred Cup Final programming
BEST LOOKALIKE
WINNER: @corrietimbers
MOST CASUAL ANNOUNCEMENT OF AN ACTUAL BOMB EXPLODING
THE NEIL LENNON AWARD FOR MOST FREQUENTLY RAGING MANAGER
WINNER: Paul Heckingbottom
BEST MANAGER (SPONSORED BY CRAIG LEVEIN)
WINNER: Craig Levein
BEST CRAIG LEVEIN MOMENT
WINNER: Fielding candidates to replace himself
HONOURABLE MENTION: “Six points off fourth” while bottom of the table
THE ‘RUGBY PLAYERS PLAY ON WHILE BLEEDING BUT FOOTBALLERS CRY’ SHITE FACEBOOK MEME AWARD FOR BRAVERY
WINNER: Jane O’Toole
THE KILMARNOCK AWARD FOR JUMPING THE GUN
WINNER: Buying tickets for the next round in Belgrade after winning the first leg against Connah’s Quay Nomads
HONOURABLE MENTION: Going 3–2 up after 116 minutes and losing 4–3
THE ‘STUART ARMSTRONG GBNF’ GOLDEN STAUNER AWARD
WINNER: Ian McCall
LEAST LIKELY TO BE BULLIED INTO SILENCE
WINNER: Rangers
BIGGEST ELLIPSIS FAN
WINNER…Ann Budge
ANGRIEST BEARS
WINNER: The Union Bears
MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT
WINNER: Morton telling their fans to stop swearing
HONOURABLE MENTION: Rangers fans applauding Steven Gerrard in the eighth minute of a 1–0 defeat against Hamilton Accies
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
WINNER: The Highland League
MOST PARTICK THISTLE TWEET
WINNER: @soulboydaveybee
THE RANGERS & HAMMERSTEIN AWARD FOR STAUNCHEST SHOW IN TOWN
WINNER: Rally Roon The Rangers
LEAST APPROPRIATE SHIRT NUMBER
WINNER: Christophe Berra
THE RUGBY PUGBY AWARD FOR BEST TYPO
WINNER: Sausage Generalship
HONOURABLE MENTION: The Scotsman relegating Celtic
HONOURABLE MENTION: @DundeeFC
HONOURABLE MENTION: Sky Sports
HONOURABLE MENTION: @PartickThistle
HONOURABLE MENTION: @PizzaBear8
THE ‘KINGSLEY, OBVIOUSLY’ AWARD FOR BEST MASCOT
WINNER: Kingsley, obviously
HONOURABLE MENTION: Sammy the Tammy
HONOURABLE MENTION: Pellie the Elephant
THE ‘HIBS BUT WITH THE HEARTS BADGE’ AWARD FOR MOST SKY SPORTS SKY SPORTS MOMENT
WINNER: The Old Firm Edinburgh Derby
HONOURABLE MENTION: Aberdeen in the NFL
HONOURABLE MENTION: Translationgate
THE ‘SORRY CELTIC’ AWARD FOR BEST RESPONSE
WINNER: @ngokoko123
HONOURABLE MENTION: @HIGGY2020
HONOURABLE MENTION: @RangersFC
HONOURABLE MENTION: @HibernianFC
HONOURABLE MENTION: @Penny10116
HONOURABLE MENTION: @LiviFCOfficial
HONOURABLE MENTION: @ArbroathFC
HONOURABLE MENTION: @SubwayUK
HONOURABLE MENTION: Ian McCall
HONOURABLE MENTION: Gordon Dalziel
HONOURABLE MENTION: @JamTarts
HONOURABLE MENTION: @AndyBozzie
BEST NAME
WINNER: Jorg Albertz Irvine
THE ‘I’VE WRITTEN TO FIFA ABOUT REFEREES BEING BIASED TOWARDS RANGERS’ AWARD FOR MOST EMBARRASSING SUPERSCOREBOARD CALLER
WINNER: Derek
HONOURABLE MENTION: Bill
BEST CELTIC DA PHOTOSHOP EFFORT
WINNER: ‘Cheatin Sevco Ref Bastards’
THE CRAIG LEVEIN PRESS CONFERENCE AWARD FOR BEING COMPLETELY AT IT
WINNER: Ayr United
HONOURABLE MENTION: Celtic’s Twitter admin
HONOURABLE MENTION: Gary Caldwell
HONOURABLE MENTION: Celtic in the Betfred Cup Final
HONOURABLE MENTION: Stenhousemuir Football Club
HONOURABLE MENTION: Ian Blackford
HONOURABLE MENTION: Ian McCall
Congratulations to all the winners. Stay safe and try not to punch any police horses on your way out.
