The 2021/22 Alternative Scottish Football Awards
Hello and welcome to the sixth annual Alternative Scottish Football Awards.
We’re back on Medium for today’s ceremony, in order to avoid the awards being interrupted by ads or paywalls and ensure that categories such as ‘Best Insult’ can be enjoyed without censorship…
We hope you enjoy tonight’s complimentary meal of pie in a roll courtesy of Alloa Athletic, which you will receive even if you asked for the large fish.
The tone was set by this man during the summer…
…and the season has failed to disappoint.
There have been memorable moments from such veteran nonsense merchants as Kyle Lafferty, Charlie Adam and Kirk Broadfoot…
…but they would all be outdone by the arrival in February of a mysterious trailblazer who figured heavily in 2017’s inaugural Alternative Awards.
So, sit back, relax and…
THE ‘RUGBY PUGBY’ AWARD FOR BEST TYPO
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE ‘SMELL MY BOUFFING FRIDGE MONTROSE’ AWARD FOR OUTSTANDING POST FROM AN OFFICIAL CLUB SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT
WINNER: Celtic
HONOURABLE MENTION: Montrose
HONOURABLE MENTION: Arbroath
HONOURABLE MENTION: Hearts
HONOURABLE MENTION: Hearts, again
HONOURABLE MENTION: Hibs
HONOURABLE MENTION: Dumbarton
HONOURABLE MENTION: Albion Rovers and Dundee United
HONOURABLE MENTION: Albion Rovers, again
BEST ATTEMPT TO MAKE A CLUB EMPLOYEE’S JOB MORE DIFFICULT
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE ‘DAAAAD, DON’T EMBARRASS ME IN FRONT OF MY PALS’ AWARD FOR MOST REMINDERS NOT TO BE NAUGHTY ON YOUR HOLIDAY
WINNER: Rangers in Seville
THE DUNDEE BUT IT’S A DUNDEE UNITED BADGE AWARD FOR MOST SKY SPORTS SKY SPORTS MOMENT
WINNER: ̶D̶u̶n̶d̶e̶e̶ ̶v̶ ̶C̶e̶l̶t̶i̶c̶ Arsenal v West Ham
HONOURABLE MENTION: Promoting Rangers v Celtic with players from Rangers and Aberdeen
HONOURABLE MENTION: Promoting Dundee v Rangers with players from A-League side Central Coast Mariners and Rangers
HONOURABLE MENTION: ‘The Buoys’
HONOURABLE MENTION: French and German teams competing for the right to play in the Scottish Premiership
HONOURABLE MENTION: Rangers and Hearts badges for match between Rangers and Dundee United
HONOURABLE MENTION: Celtic v Rangers in the EFL Championship
HONOURABLE MENTION: Delight for Clyde but disappointment for Clyde
THE SPIRIT OF SKY SPORTS AWARD
WINNER: Tim Akinola
HONOURABLE MENTION: Rodney Jack and Ianis Jago
HONOURABLE MENTION: West Ham
HONOURABLE MENTION: Celtic v Aston Villa
BEST HEADLINE
WINNER:
MOST SHAMELESS ATTEMPT TO CROWBAR CELTIC OR RANGERS INTO A HEADLINE
WINNER: ‘Celtic fan’ Bruce Willis
HONOURABLE MENTION: ‘Ex-Rangers and Scotland player’ Grant Adam
HONOURABLE MENTION: ‘Former Rangers job candidate’ Derek McInnes
ANIMAL HAVING HARDEST TIME ADJUSTING TO DRY LAND
WINNER: James Brown
MOST AESTHETICALLY PLEASING PASSAGE OF PLAY
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
BEST HEADER
WINNER: Paul McMullan
HONOURABLE MENTION: Dick Campbell
THE RANGERS FOOTBALL CLUB AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF STATEMENT WRITING
WINNER: Rangers
HONOURABLE MENTION: Dundee
BEST STATEMENT, ACTUALLY
WINNER: Falkirk
NARROWEST ESCAPE
WINNER:
THE ROB MACLEAN ‘SALMA HAYEK’ AWARD FOR UNEXPECTED HORNINESS
WINNER: Hibs
MOST ENTERTAINING WORDS SPOTTED ON PHONE AT MATCH
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
MOST BELOVED REFEREE
WINNER: Referee at Port Glasgow United v Stanley Athletic
HONOURABLE MENTION: Willie Collum
HONOURABLE MENTION: John Beaton
HONOURABLE MENTION: Kevin Clancy
HONOURABLE MENTION: Bobby Madden
MOST DRAMATIC CHANGE IN FACIAL EXPRESSIONS FROM KRIS BOYD THROUGHOUT MATCH
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE SHANE DUFFY BRAIDING DIEGO LAXALT’S HAIR AWARD FOR BEST SUPERSCOREBOARD CALLER
WINNER: “Del…I’ll try again”
HONOURABLE MENTION: “Well done Rangers”
BEST NON-SUPERSCOREBOARD CALLER
WINNER: Dave Cormack
BEST GOAL SCORED AS A RESULT OF TWO ST JOHNSTONE PLAYERS RUNNING INTO EACH OTHER
WINNER (watch from 01:04):
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE ‘SORRY CELTIC’ AWARD FOR BEST RESPONSE
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE ALBANIAN PRESIDENT RUNNING AROUND A BEACH SHOUTING ‘HAIL HAIL’ AWARD FOR BEST CAMEO
WINNER: Rylan
HONOURABLE MENTION: This guy
HONOURABLE MENTION: Lady Gaga
HONOURABLE MENTION: ̶G̶ü̶ ̶r̶a̶m̶e̶k̶i̶n̶ M&S crème brulée
HONOURABLE MENTION: Gary Maley
HONOURABLE MENTION: Ryanair
HONOURABLE MENTION: Don Draper, with Jim Goodwin ensuring a photo now exists in which Jon Hamm isn’t the most handsome man. Ryan Porteous also there, because why not.
HONOURABLE MENTION: Senator Clay Davis
HONOURABLE MENTION: Markus Fjørtoft
HONOURABLE MENTION: Belinda Carlisle
HONOURABLE MENTION: Wagner
HONOURABLE MENTION: Snoop Dogg
HONOURABLE MENTION: Eminem
HONOURABLE MENTION: Lulu
HONOURABLE MENTION: Alan Partridge
HONOURABLE MENTION: Jon Dahl Tomasson
HONOURABLE MENTION: Marseille fans at Edinburgh City
HONOURABLE MENTION: Niall Horan
HONOURABLE MENTION: Edwina Currie
HONOURABLE MENTION: Tony Robinson
THE KENDRICK LAMAR AWARD FOR MOST INTRICATE LYRICS
WINNER:
MOST SOLEMN SHOW OF RESPECT
WINNER: Lana Wolf
MOST SATISFYING KARMA
WINNER:
LEAST THOUGHT THROUGH PLAN
WINNER:
Rangers accepting an invite to the Big Ange Homecoming Tour Cup
HONOURABLE MENTION:
BEST REASON FOR PLAY BEING HALTED
WINNER: Rogue gazebo (Irvine Meadow v Auchinleck Talbot)
HONOURABLE MENTION: Snowballs hurled at goalkeeper(Livingston v Rangers)
HONOURABLE MENTION: Tennis balls (Dundee v Celtic)
HONOURABLE MENTION: Tennis ball, sprinkler and toilet farce(Dundee v Rangers)
HONOURABLE MENTION: Injured referee (Albion Rovers v Edinburgh City)
HONOURABLE MENTION: Referee walking off pitch after mass brawl (Irvine Vics v Pollok)
HONOURABLE MENTION: Home side appeal for qualified linesman (Peterhead v Dumbarton)
HONOURABLE MENTION: Steward gives pitch invader treatment for cramp (Ross County v Celtic)
THE ‘THAT AGED WELL’ AWARD
WINNER: Steven Gerrard looking happy and settled
October 21st
November 13th
HONOURABLE MENTION: Wullie ‘Fine wine’ Gibson
HONOURABLE MENTION: John Hartson on Leigh Griffiths
MOST REGRETTABLE JOHN HARTSON COMMENT THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE LEIGH GRIFFITHS
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION: Alan Brazil on Ange Postecoglou
HONOURABLE MENTION:
BEST LIAM BOYCE LOOKALIKE
WINNER: Liam Boyce
HONOURABLE MENTION:
BEST NON-BOYCE LOOKALIKE
WINNER:
WORST LOOKALIKE
WINNER: Brechin’s William Wallace
THE BLACK-AND-WHITE PHOTO OF NEIL LENNON STARING MOODILY INTO THE DISTANCE AWARD FOR BEST OFFICIAL MERCHANDISE
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
BEST PUN
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
BEST PARTICK THISTLE MOMENT
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE ELGIN CITY FAN AT IBROX WHO LOOKED A BIT LIKE VICKY MCCLURE FROM THIS IS ENGLAND AND LINE OF DUTY AWARD FOR BEST DANCE ROUTINE
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE CELTIC FANS V BRENDAN RODGERS AWARD FOR TAKING REJECTION ON THE CHIN AND MOVING ON WITH DIGNITY
WINNER: Rangers fans v Steven Gerrard
HONOURABLE MENTION: “What a disgrace you are”
MOST TRIVIAL THING TO BE BOTHERED ABOUT
THE KINGSLEY AWARD FOR MOST MEMORABLE NON-HUMAN
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION: Kingsley
BEST EXCUSE
WINNER: Wishaw United right-back
HONOURABLE MENTION: Liel Abada
THE KRIS BOYD ‘NO-ONE WANTS TO GO WATCH THEIR TEAM BEHIND CLOSED DOORS’ AWARD FOR MOST INSIGHTFUL PUNDITRY
WINNER: Pat Bonner
HONOURABLE MENTION: Alex Rae
“Rangers have played well in these opening 80 minutes” — Alex Rae
HONOURABLE MENTION: Stephen Craigan
HONOURABLE MENTION: Kevin Thomson, for “Ryan Kent has real seats on bums impact”
HONOURABLE MENTION: Andy Walker
THE ROD STEWART AWARD FOR BEST CUP DRAW
WINNER:
THE FIVE ROSS COUNTY PLAYERS NAMED ROSS AWARD
WINNER:
MOST RELUCTANT INTERVIEWEE
WINNER: Scott Brown
HONOURABLE MENTION: Allan McGregor
HONOURABLE MENTION: Ange Postecoglou
BEST INSULT
WINNER: Ayr United fans
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
BEST ‘NOT WHAT WE WANT TO SEE’ THAT ACTUALLY IS VERY MUCH WHAT WE WANT TO SEE
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION (sound on):
HONOURABLE MENTION (keep sound on):
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
PETTIEST CELTIC BEHAVIOUR
WINNER:
PETTIEST RANGERS BEHAVIOUR
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE RANGERS TV CIRCA 2018 AWARD FOR SALTIEST OFFICIAL CLUB CHANNEL COMMENTARY
WINNER: Hibs
MOST HARROWING SOUND
WINNER (16 seconds in):
HONOURABLE MENTION:
LEAST AUDIBLE SOUND
WINNER: Ryan Kent
LEAST CONVENTIONAL WAY IN
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE JOEY BARTON AWARD
WINNER: Aaron Ramsey
BEST POST-MATCH CHARLIE MULGREW INTERVIEW
HONOURABLE MENTION:
BEST TACKLE
WINNER:
MOST RIDICULOUS CHARLIE ADAM MOMENT
WINNER: Dive
HONOURABLE MENTION: Assist
HONOURABLE MENTION: Comparing a racist song about Kyogo to a song called ‘Charlie Adam’s Sister’s Pants’
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE CHARLIE ADAM AWARD FOR BEST FALL
WINNER:
MOST CIVILISED BEHAVIOUR FROM A PLAYER NOT ON THE PITCH
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE MARK WARBURTON AWARD FOR MOST INNOVATIVE HEADWEAR
WINNER: Cameron Campbell and his hat made of hair
MOST PASSIONATE FAN
WINNER:
THE ‘WELCOME TO THE THEATRE OF PIES’ AWARD FOR BEST DELICACY
WINNER: Same old Alloa, always eating
HONOURABLE MENTION: Armadale Thistle
HONOURABLE MENTION: Dumfries & Galloway True Blues
HONOURABLE MENTION: Hampden
MOST WHOLESOME ALLY MCCOIST MOMENT
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
MOST WHOLESOME NON-MCCOIST MOMENT
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT FOR SERVICES TO SCOTTISH FOOTBALL PATTER
WINNER: Scott Brown
THE 2021/22 ALTERNATIVE AWARDS PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR
WINNER: Mark McGhee
Congratulations to all the winners. Remember who you represent. Stay safe and enjoy the party.
Please ensure you dispose of your cardboard cutouts before vacating the premises.
OLD FIRM FACTS PODCASTS
SCOTTISH CUP FACTS BBC SPECIALS
ADAM MILLER COLUMNS
