The 2022/23 Alternative Scottish Football Awards
Hello and welcome to the sixth annual Alternative Scottish Football Awards.
Several important questions will be answered at this ceremony. What ritual does Tam McManus allegedly perform before intercourse? What expression did Arbroath introduce to Scottish football’s lexicon? Why are Rangers supposedly being held back by politically correct ball boys?
Traditional categories such as ‘The Rugby Pugby Award For Best Typo’, ‘Most Partick Thistle Moment’ and ‘The Dundee But It’s A Dundee United Badge Award For Most Sky Sports Sky Sports Moment’ remain, while this year’s new categories include ‘Best Ambassador For Scottish Football’ ‘The Craig Levein Specky Hotdog Award For Best Eyewear’ and ‘Least Effective Abuse Directed At A Player’.
Expect explicit language, adult themes and Kingsley.
BEST PHOTO
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
BEST CELEBRATION
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE ‘RUGBY PUGBY’ AWARD FOR BEST TYPO
WINNER: Dundee
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION: Ally McCoist
THE ‘SMELL MY BOUFFING FRIDGE MONTROSE’ AWARD FOR OUTSTANDING POST FROM AN OFFICIAL CLUB SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT
WINNER: St Mirren
HONOURABLE MENTION: Dundee
HONOURABLE MENTION: Raith Rovers
HONOURABLE MENTION: Clyde
HONOURABLE MENTION: Orkney, who have failed to specify exactly how physical you’re allowed to be with the referee before it becomes ‘too physical’
HONOURABLE MENTION: Montrose
HONOURABLE MENTION: Livingston
HONOURABLE MENTION: Hibs
HONOURABLE MENTION: Cowdenbeath
HONOURABLE MENTION: Stirling Albion
MOST ILL-ADVISED HASHTAG
WINNER: #UnitedInPursuit
THE FOUR-ARMED HIBS FAN AWARD
WINNER: Six-fingered James Tavernier
THE KINGSLEY EVERY YEAR AWARD FOR BEST MASCOT
WINNER: Kingsley
HONOURABLE MENTION: Sammy The Tammy
HONOURABLE MENTION: Smokie Joe
HONOURABLE MENTION: Captain Conker
THE ‘IMPROVISE. ADAPT. OVERCOME’ AWARD
WINNER:
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BEST CELEBRATION OF AN ANDY CONSIDINE MILESTONE
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
MOST EMBARRASSING BALL BOY MOMENT
WINNER: Woke ball boys
HONOURABLE MENTION: Volunteer ball boys
HONOURABLE MENTION: Hide and seek ball boy
THE CONOR SAMMON PIZZA BOX AWARD FOR MOST UNDERWHELMING PRIZE
WINNER: Bobby Linn Fray Bentos
THE DUNDEE BUT IT’S A DUNDEE UNITED BADGE AWARD FOR MOST SKY SPORTS SKY SPORTS MOMENT
WINNER: Hibs playing Rangers and Celtic simultaneously
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THE SPIRIT OF SKY SPORTS AWARD
WINNER: Futbol24
HONOURABLE MENTION: St Johnstone
HONOURABLE MENTION: Livingston
HONOURABLE MENTION: BT Sport
HONOURABLE MENTION: BT Sport
HONOURABLE MENTION: LiveScore
MOST INTIMIDATING TACTIC
WINNER: Kilmarnock
BEST AMBASSADOR FOR SCOTTISH FOOTBALL
WINNER:
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BEST HEADLINE
WINNER: Daily Record
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MOST EFFECTIVE TOUCHLINE BAN
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
BEST VANTAGE POINT FOR A DUNDEE GAME
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
GOAL OF THE SEASON
WINNER: Scott Tiffoney
HONOURABLE MENTION: Stevie May
HONOURABLE MENTION: Jack McMillan
HONOURABLE MENTION: Jamie Sneddon
HONOURABLE MENTION: Kyle Lafferty
HONOURABLE MENTION: Charlie Mulgrew
HONOURABLE MENTION: David Turnbull
HONOURABLE MENTION: Josip Juranović
GREATEST CONSECUTIVE TWEET COMBINATION
WINNER: Dundee
LEAST PLAYABLE SURFACE
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE CRAIG LEVEIN SPECKY HOTDOG AWARD FOR BEST EYEWEAR
WINNER: John Young
HONOURABLE MENTION: Neil Lennon
WORST CHARADES PLAYER
WINNER: Euan Anderson
THE SHILTON TEARS AWARD
WINNER:
BEST CHANT
WINNER: Kilmarnock
THE SHANE DUFFY BRAIDING DIEGO LAXALT’S HAIR AWARD FOR BEST PHONE-IN CALLER
WINNER: ‘Initials’
HONOURABLE MENTION: ‘Walloper’
THE DICK CAMPBELL AWARD
WINNER: Dick Campbell
LEAST AMOUNT OF THOUGHT PUT INTO SHIRT NUMBERS
WINNER: Dundee
HONOURABLE MENTION: Hibs
THE ‘SORRY CELTIC’ AWARD FOR BEST RESPONSE
WINNER:
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THE ALBANIAN PRESIDENT RUNNING AROUND A BEACH SHOUTING ‘HAIL HAIL’ AWARD FOR BEST CAMEO
WINNER: Tom Hanks
HONOURABLE MENTION: Senator Clay Davis from The Wire
HONOURABLE MENTION: Bonnyrigg shoe
HONOURABLE MENTION: ‘This fuckin’ dug”
FAIREST APPROACH TO SELECTING A FREE-KICK TAKER
WINNER: St Johnstone
LEAST EFFECTIVE ABUSE DIRECTED AT PLAYER
WINNER: “Oi Tavernier, go join your brother at Musselburgh, eh, Middlesbrough even…you ken what ah mean, shut up”
LEAST JUSTIFIABLE RED CARD
WINNER:
MOST JUSTIFIABLE RED CARD
WINNER: Max Stryjek
THE PETER HARTLEY AT A TINY PIANO AWARD FOR BEST TRANSFER CONFIRMATION VIDEO
WINNER: Kyle Vassell, Kilmarnock
HONOURABLE MENTION: John Gemmell, Dumbarton
THE VAR AWARD FOR MOST CONTROVERSIAL PEN
WINNER: Aiden McGeady
HONOURABLE MENTION: Joe Hart
THE LANA WOLF AWARD FOR MOST SOLEMN SHOW OF RESPECT
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
BEST LOOKALIKE
WINNER: Dundee United Maradona
HONOURABLE MENTION: Dundee United Mike Ehrmantraut
HONOURABLE MENTION: Rylan/Craig Gordon
HONOURABLE MENTION: Jim Goodwin/Jim Goodwin
HONOURABLE MENTION: Rod Stewart/Uma Thurman
HONOURABLE MENTION: Davie Martindale/Hasbulla
HONOURABLE MENTION: Harry McKirdy/toilet brush
BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY
WINNER: Forfar season ticket
MOST PARTICK THISTLE MOMENT
WINNER:
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THE HIBS 2016 AWARD FOR BEST PITCH INVASION
WINNER: Hibs
BEST BANNER
WINNER: Pollok
MOST MEMORABLE INSULT
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
HONOURABLE MENTION: ‘Tam McManus folds his clothes before sex’
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BEST ‘NOT WHAT WE WANT TO SEE’ THAT ACTUALLY IS VERY MUCH WHAT WE WANT TO SEE
WINNER:
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THE NEIL LENNON’S SNUS AWARD
WINNER: Ian McCall
THE SPIRIT OF THE BANTER YEARS AWARD
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THE ‘IF I ASKED YOU TO GUESS WHO SAID THIS YOU’D PROBABLY GUESS KIRK BROADFOOT’ AWARD
WINNER: Kirk Broadfoot
BEST COMMENTARY
WINNER: Arbroath
THE CELTIC DA AWARD
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
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MOST UNFORTUNATE LIVE BROADCASTING MOMENT
WINNER:
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BEST PENALTY
WINNER:
THE ‘WELCOME TO THE THEATRE OF PIES’ AWARD FOR BEST DELICACY
WINNER: Nairn County
HONOURABLE MENTION: Aberdeen
HONOURABLE MENTION: Celtic
HONOURABLE MENTION: Rangers
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT FOR SERVICES TO SCOTTISH FOOTBALL PATTER
WINNER: Alfredo Morelos
Thank you for attending the 2022/23 Alternative Scottish Football Awards. Please be sure to pick up your complimentary Dundee FC tangerines, courtesy of Sky Sports.
