The 2023/24 Alternative Scottish Football Awards
Hello and welcome to the seventh annual Alternative Scottish Football Awards.
It’s an occasion that traditionally comes shortly after the 38th round of Scottish Premiership fixtures, by which point the majority of clubs and associations have already carried out their Player of the Year awards ceremonies.
Do any of these supposedly prestigious events, though, have a category dedicated solely to a BBC pundit’s apparent horniness during crucial Scottish Championship matches? How about a category judging the most ill-advised Instagram post from a Rangers player, in which three players could all justifiably walk away with the award?
That’s not to mention the categories that feature ever year, including Best Headline, the Spirit of Sky Sports Award and the Smell My Bouffing Fridge Montrose Award For Outstanding Post From An Official Club Social Media Account.
And there’s the Hibs free-kick.
PLEASE NOTE: The warning applied by the BBC to Raith Rovers v Partick Thistle also applies to the 2023/24 Alternative Scottish Football Awards.
IMAGE OF THE SEASON
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
MOST PERFECTLY EXECUTED ROUTINE FROM THE TRAINING GROUND
WINNER:
THE ‘RUGBY PUGBY’ AWARD FOR BEST TYPO
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
MOST FUCKING STRIKERS ON THE PARK
WINNER: Four
MOST UNEXPECTED SOUND
WINNER: Andy Walker
HONOURABLE MENTION: East Fife tannoy mic
HONOURABLE MENTION: ‘Yauto’
THE ‘SMELL MY BOUFFING FRIDGE MONTROSE’ AWARD FOR OUTSTANDING POST FROM AN OFFICIAL CLUB SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT
WINNER: Stranraer
HONOURABLE MENTION: Kilmarnock
HONOURABLE MENTION: Kilmarnock
HONOURABLE MENTION: Hearts
HONOURABLE MENTION: Raith Rovers
HONOURABLE MENTION: Raith Rovers
HONOURABLE MENTION: Raith Rovers
HONOURABLE MENTION: Raith Rovers and Dundee United
HONOURABLE MENTION: Penicuik Athletic
HONOURABLE MENTION: Hibs
HONOURABLE MENTION: Hibs
HONOURABLE MENTION: Clyde
GOAL OF THE SEASON
WINNER: Ali Adams
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
MOST MEMORABLE INCIDENT INVOLVING A PIE
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
LEAST APPROPRIATE FACEBOOK POST TEMPLATE
WINNER: Kilmarnock FC Fan Page
MOST HASTILY DELETED TWEET
WINNER: Ian Crocker
THE CONOR SAMMON PIZZA BOX AWARD FOR MOST UNDERWHELMING PRIZE
WINNER:
MOST DISAPPOINTED
WINNER: James Tavernier
HONOURABLE MENTION: Nick Montgomery
BEST LOOKALIKE
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION: Stuart Kettlewell as Obi-Wan Kenobi
THE SHANE DUFFY BRAIDING DIEGO LAXALT’S HAIR AWARD FOR BEST PHONE-IN CALLER
WINNER: Celtic police commander conspiracy
MOST PARTICK THISTLE MOMENT
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE CELTIC DA AWARD
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
THE RANGERS MAW AWARD
WINNER:
ANGRIEST BEAR
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
EASIEST OPPONENT FOR BRENDAN RODGERS TO OVERCOME
WINNER: Celtic fans
HONOURABLE MENTION: Michael Beale
THE DUNDEE BUT IT’S A DUNDEE UNITED BADGE AWARD FOR MOST SKY SPORTS SKY SPORTS MOMENT
WINNER: ‘Greencock Morton’
HONOURABLE MENTION: Rangers apparently playing St Mirren and Ross County on the night they were playing Dundee
MORE HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
THE SPIRIT OF SKY SPORTS AWARD
WINNER: talkSPORT
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
MOST HARROWING SQUAD PHOTOS
WINNER: Ayr United
THE ‘THAT AGED WELL’ AWARD
WINNER: Tam McManus
HONOURABLE MENTION: Stuart Kettlewell
MOST COMFORTABLE 94 MINUTES
WINNER: Aberdeen
HARDEST ROSS COUNTY MANAGER TO STOMACH
WINNER: Malky Mackay
HONOURABLE MENTION: Derek Adams
THE ‘SOMETHING DOESN’T SIT RIGHT WAE ME WAE TAV PLAYING THE FUCKIN PLAYSTATION. CAN YOU IMAGINE JOHN GREIG AS THE CAPTAIN OF RANGERS SITTING THERE WAE THE STAUNCH GOATEE/MULLET COMBO PLAYING GTA SAN ANDREAS AW DAY THEN LEADING A GROUP OF PROFESSIONALS OUT ON THE PITCH THE NEXT. WEIRD’ AWARD FOR BEST CRITICISM OF JAMES TAVERNIER DOING SOMETHING THAT JOHN GREIG WOULDN’T
WINNER:
MOST ‘CAN’T DO THAT THESE DAYS COS OF WOKE’ CHALLENGE
WINNER:
BEST FOOTWEAR
WINNER:
THE ‘SORRY CELTIC’ AWARD FOR BEST RESPONSE
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
BEST COLLISION
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
BEST ‘NOT WHAT WE WANT TO SEE’ THAT ACTUALLY IS VERY MUCH WHAT WE WANT TO SEE
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
HORNIEST MICHAEL STEWART PUNDITRY DURING A RAITH ROVERS MATCH
WINNER: Raith Rovers v Dundee United
HONOURABLE MENTION: Raith Rovers v Partick Thistle
BEST EXCUSE FOR RUINED TICKETS
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTION:
THE ‘ALBANIAN PRESIDENT RUNNING AROUND A BEACH IN A CELTIC TOP SHOUTING HAIL HAIL’ AWARD FOR MOST UNLIKELY SCOTTISH FOOTBALL CAMEO
WINNER: STAYC
HONOURABLE MENTION: Livingston influencer
HONOURABLE MENTION: Rugby Park photographer
HONOURABLE MENTION: Michael Palin
HONOURABLE MENTION: Grim Reaper
HONOURABLE MENTION: Stephen King
HONOURABLE MENTION: Elon Musk
BEST HEADLINE
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
LEAST PLAYABLE SURFACE
WINNER: Dens Park
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
THE ‘DEREK GASTON, YOU’RE JUST A SHIT DISNEY CHARACTER’ AWARD FOR BEST INSULT
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
BEST SCOTTISH FOOTBALL FANS ABROAD VIDEO
WINNER:
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
MOST WOWED GUESTS AND CLIENTS
WINNER:
BEST BIRTHDAY GREETING
WINNER:
BEST CLUB TV COMMENTARY
WINNER: Dundee
HONOURABLE MENTION: Rangers
MOST ILL-ADVISED INSTAGRAM POST FROM A RANGERS PLAYER
WINNER: Fabio Silva
HONOURABLE MENTION: Kemar Roofe
HONOURABLE MENTION: Todd Cantwell
HONOURABLE MENTION: Todd Cantwell
THE ‘BRUCE WILLIS, WHO IS A CELTIC FAN’ AWARD FOR MOST SHAMELESS ATTEMPT TO CROWBAR CELTIC OR RANGERS INTO A HEADLINE
WINNER: Scottish Sun
HONOURABLE MENTIONS:
BEST CELEBRATION
WINNER:
THE JEREMY USBORNE ‘THAT WASN’T VERY CHRISTMASSY’ AWARD
WINNER:
MOST INSPIRATIONAL REDEMPTION ARC
WINNER:
THE RANGERS FOOTBALL CLUB AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF STATEMENTS
WINNERS: Rangers
HONOURABLE MENTION: Motherwell
HONOURABLE MENTION: Hibs
HONOURABLE MENTION: Arbroath
MOST BLATANT PLAYACTING
JOINT WINNER: Fabio Silva
JOINT WINNER: Fabio Silva, two weeks later
HONOURABLE MENTION: Kenneth Vargas
HONOURABLE MENTION: Jay Bird
HONOURABLE MENTION: Todd Cantwell
THE KINGSLEY AWARD FOR BEST MASCOT
WINNER: Kingsley
HONOURABLE MENTION: Scott
HONOURABLE MENTION: Sammy the Tammy
HONOURABLE MENTION: Smokie Joe
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT FOR SERVICES TO SCOTTISH FOOTBALL PATTER
WINNER: Craig Levein
THE RISING STAR AWARD
WINNER: St Mirren ball boy
THE 2023/24 ALTERNATIVE AWARDS PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR
WINNER: Duncan Ferguson
IN MEMORIAM
Lee Johnson at Hibs (2022–2023)
QUOTE OF THE SEASON
WINNER: ‘Sometimes a peck on the cheek can look like a porno’
Thank you for attending the 2023/24 Alternative Scottish Football Awards.
Please be sure to pick up your complimentary shushburger, courtesy of social media influencer ‘Todd Cantwell 13’.
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