The alternative Euro 2020 awards
đ”âDonât hesitate, time heals the pain, you ainât the problemâđ”
From the minute Andrea Bocelli delivered a spine-tingling rendition of Nessun Dorma, we were sold.
After 16 months of anguish, fear and frustration, there was hope that the tournament might deliver a little bit of respite.
As Bocelliâs voice rang out around the Stadio Olimpico, we knew Euro 2020 would rise to the occasion. We just didnât realise just how much it would deliver.
One of the greatest international tournaments most of us can recall, Euro 2020 had everything. Thrilling matches. Defiant statements. A tiny remote-controlled Volkswagen with a football on its roof.
Now that the more important articles have been published, itâs time to enjoy the finest moments of a memorable four weeks.
âAnd now, Iâm delighted to hand over to our commentary team of Ally McCoist and Clive TyldesleyââŠ
BEST MCCOIST/TYLDESLEY QUOTE: On France v Switzerland clashing with Love IslandâŠ
âThis is where some of you may be leaving us for the return of Love Island on ITV4. Please donât. Swipe right for Ally McCoistâ
Honourable mention: On Jens Stryger Larsen going down injured against the Czech RepublicâŠ
Tyldesley: âNobody knows what to believe after Ciro Immobileâs antics last nightâ
McCoist: âAww donât even start me on that performance, right. We promised we werenât going to start on thatâ
Tyldesley: âIâve actually just been handed an update. Heâs had a comfortable night. Heâs in a stable condition. There is a faint mark on his leg where his shinpad was rubbing, but mummyâs put a plaster on it and given him some sweets and a comic, and heâs hoping to be fit for Italy on Tuesdayâ
McCoist: âVery goodâ
Tyldesley: âIâd like to see him suspended for Italy on Tuesday personallyâŠYou never know when thereâs a camera pointing at you these daysâ
McCoist: âAww it was a howler, it really wasâ
Honourable mention: On being up for the England v Scotland gameâŠ
McCoist: âAfter listening to my ex-team-mate and old boss Graeme Souness, Iâm just about ready to march on Carlisleâ
Honourable mention: On the light aircraft that had flown overhead during a Dutch training sessionâŠ
Tyldesley: âThere was another yesterday, with a banner telling de Boer to pick Donyell Malen, which heâs done. Next time youâre (McCoist) on the golf course, have a look up. It may be Mrs M with a message for youâŠâWe need milkâ.â
Honourable mention: On why you probably shouldnât accept a lift from Clive TyldesleyâŠ
Tyldesley: âFrance still have some gears to go through. They need to get their foot down on the clutch and start acceleratingâ
Honourable mention: On painâŠ
Tyldesley: âNobody has any sympathy for someone whoâs only got cramp, but is there anything more painful?â
McCoist: âToothacheâ
Honourable mention: On Martin Dubravkaâs own goalâŠ
McCoist: âCanât believe that. Got to say, I canât believe it. I donât know where you go there, to be honest with you. As goalkeeping errors go, Clive, that is a HOWLERâ
THE REMEMBERBERRY AWARD FOR MOST RELENTLESSLY REMEMBERED EVENT: Euro â96
Honourable mention: 1966
MOST RELENTLESSLY REMEMBERED MOMENT FROM EURO â96: Paul Gascoigne v Scotland
MOST INSIGHTFUL ANALYSIS: Frank Lampard on Wales
Honourable mention: Jermaine Jenas, for informing us that âThis is a big 15 minutesâ at the start of the second period of extra time in the European Championship Final
Honourable mention: Kenny McLean, for explaining that âIf you donât buy a ticket, you donât score the goalsâ
Honourable mention: John Hartson, for stating âItâs a stamp on his ankle. I donât think itâs a red cardâ
QUICKEST CHANGE OF HEART: John Hartson during Hungary v Portugal
82 minutes: âI donât quite think Portugal have come out and maybe did enough to win the game in the second halfâ
*Portugal score*
84 minutes: âCanât say that Portugal havenât deserved itâ
BEST CAMEO: Tiny remote controlled Volkswagen with ball on roof
LEAST NECESSARY HALF-TIME FEATURE DURING GAMES THAT DONâT INVOLVE ENGLAND: Luke Shawâs slippers
Honourable mention: Phil Fodenâs hair
Honourable mention: Jack Grealishâs hair
PETTIEST ROY KEANE MOMENT: Roy Keane arguing with a woman during a Neil Diamond gig because she was singing
Honourable mention: captainâs armbands
MOST HARROWING ATTEMPT AT PRONOUNCING A STRAIGHTFORWARD NAME: Danny Murphy v Chiellini
Honourable mention: Jonathan Pearce v Kamara
MOST LIFE-AFFIRMING MOMENT: The response to Christian Eriksenâs collapse
Honourable mention: The Tartan Scarf
Honourable mention: Billy Gilmour dominating at Wembley
Honourable mention: Every time Gianluca Vialli celebrated with Roberto Mancini
Honourable mention: Tyrone Mings calling out Priti Patel
Honourable mention: Manuel Neuer and Harry Kane both wearing rainbow armbands
Honourable mention: Leon Goretzkaâs celebration in front of Hungary fans
Honourable mention: Denmark fan
Honourable mention: Ally McCoist greeting Gini Wijnaldumâs second goal against North Macedonia with âLOVELY wee goal, it really is. Superb! I love itâ
MOST RIDICULOUS TAKE: âAnyone but Englandâ means anything more serious than finding it funny when your rivals lose
Honourable mention: Stringer Bell team talk
MOST EXCRUCIATING LINEKER PUN: âEngland complete the Italian job. Theyâve only gone and blown the bloody scores offâ
THE âI THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, BUT THERE SIMPLY HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY OF WORDING THISâ AWARD: Andros Townsend for âDenmark have already won the tournament with Christian Eriksen not being deadâ
BEST LOOK:
WORST LOOK: Robbie Savage, looking like a six-year-oldâs been asked to draw a Bee Gee
BEST FAN REACTION DURING FRANCE V SWITZERLAND: Swiss fan
Honourable mention: French fan
BEST NORTH MACEDONIA MOMENT: Drum
Honourable mention: Cones
MOST SCOTLAND MOMENT: Simultaneously conceding the goal of the tournament and creating a new meme
Honourable mention: Briefly getting the nationâs hopes up
BEST SIDE HUSTLE: John McGinn, West Ham United manager
BIGGEST RIDDY: England
BEST ANTI-SHILTON MERCH: T-shirt
Honourable mention: Flag
Honourable mention: Sticker
BEST SONG: âYouâre just a shite Rabbie Burnsâ
Honourable mention: âYouâre just a shite Grant Hanleyâ
Honourable mention: Andrea Bocelli singing Nessun Dorma
Honourable mention: Italian national anthem
BEST ANTI-SCOTTISH INSULT
BEST ANTI-SPANISH AND ANTI-SWISS INSULTS
MOST OFFENSIVE ANTI-ITALIAN INSULT:
BEST SHORT-LIVED, ONE-SIDED LOVE AFFAIR: Scotland and Germany
Honourable mention: Scotland and Ukraine
Honourable mention: Scotland and Denmark
MOST ENDURING LOVE AFFAIR: Scotland and Italy
MOST INTENSE ITALIANING: NicolĂČ Barella
BEST REACTION FROM A SCOTTISH FAN:
Honourable mention:
Honourable mention:
Honourable mention:
BEST SHOWBOATING:
MOST CONFUSED STEWARD:
THE MARK LAWRENSON AWARD FOR CO-COMMENTATOR MOST INCONVENIENCED BY PROSPECT OF BEING PAID WELL TO WATCH EXCITING FOOTBALL MATCHES: Danny Murphy
Honourable mention: Lee Dixon
MOST AWKWARD FEELING: Realising there was just no way to dislike this England squad
THE SCHADENFREUDE AWARD FOR MOST ARROGANT PUNDIT: Rio Ferdinand
BEST ROBERTO MANCINI IMAGE:
Context:
Honourable mention:
MOST POIGNANT POST-FINAL TWEET: Harry Maguire
BEST COVER VERSION: âItâs Coming Romeâ (Broudie/Baddiel/Skinner/Bonucci/Chiellini)
PLAYER OF THE TOURNAMENT: Giorgio Chiellini
An absolutely sensational tournament. It really was, Clive.
